Logical Mario
by Stardown
Summary: A series of one-shots depicting how illogical Mario's world is compared to the Real World.
1. Goomba's Touch

**A/N:** Hey guys, what's up? I'm starting a new (hopefully) long-running fan fiction that takes place in the Mario universe. This time, it's a series of one-shots depicting all the ways and reasons Mario's universe is not logical. Expect it to update more frequently than SMB:TNC.

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Mario or anything from his universe; Nintendo does._

Without further ado, let us begin...

* * *

 **Having just cleared another level, Mario took a breather before pressing on. He knew Princess Peach depended on him to stop Bowser and save the Mushroom Kingdom.**

 **Oh great, he thought. Another athletic level. He hated them, especially since they kept him on his toes pretty much the whole time. Many of them had moving platforms and Paratroopas. Fortunately, this was not one of them.**

 **No, this level had several mushroom platforms, and enemies crawling on them to boot.**

 **Oh no! He realized he had forgotten to bring a reserve item with him! He would have to be extra careful - World 7 was known to be unforgiving.**

 **He started in the direction he knew the next flagpole was in. He saw a gap ahead and jumped down to the next platform. However, he didn't see the Koopa in front of him.**

 **A strange sense of pan flowed through him as he plunged through the ground he was standing on en route to the Underwhere.**

* * *

"Pause the video," Mario instructed. "Hello, and welcome to our first installment of Logical Mario. I'm here with my brother Luigi, and we're here to demonstrate all the reasons our world is illogical compared to the Real World."

"That's right, said Luigi. "So what exactly are we seeing in this video?"

"That instant death is possible just by _touching_ turtles and other enemies," replied Mario.

Luigi held back a snicker. "When you put it like that, Mario, you sound downright pathetic."

Mario looked around. "Do I sense a pot calling the kettle black?"

"Uh, yeah, heheh, now that you mention it..."

Becoming serious in, Luigi continued. "Why is it possible to feel pain just by touching the skin of an organic lifeform like a Goomba? How come you don't die when touching people like Goombario or Koopa the Quick?"

Mario shrugged. "I guess they don't possess this all-powerful instant death skin."

"And yet the top sides of most enemies can be jumped on painlessly."

"True. So what happens if an enemy touches other living things?"

"Yikes... so that's why we see dead grass, flowers, and even trees when we fight Goombas."

"Not always."

"True."

Then Luigi had another thought. "What if enemies touch _each other_?"

"They usually turn around, but yeah, that thought is unsettling. Imagine the smell of rotting Goombas coming from Bowser's Castle then!"

"It kinda already does..." Luigi shuddered.

"Eh... It's more so the smell of Bowser's plots coming to fruitition."

"I guess so, said Luigi. "Wait, isn't there more to the video?"

"The part where I return from the dead with the help of multiple lives? We'll save that for another time. Thank you for joining us. Come back soon!"


	2. Bowser's Clown Copter

_**Anonymous Girl Gamer:** This is funny. Can't wait for more!  
_

 **Thanks! I can't wait to write more!**

* * *

 **At last, Mario reached the top of the castle in the Valley of Bowser. He had come so far, and he wasn't going to back down now. He watched as Bowser descended in his Clown Copter.**

 **It's showtime.**

 **As his adversary threw down a pair of Mechakoopas, Mario knew these were his tickets to success in this fight. Using all his might, he hurled them up into the face of Bowser, who promptly flew high above him. He dodged fireballs which rained down around him.**

* * *

"Oh boy," exclaimed Mario, "this is a good one. Tell me again why Bowser is green, Luigi?"

"Uh... graphical limitations?"

"Or maybe he's just becoming more eco-friendly. Just look at the Clown Copter's propeller. All-natural wind power there."

"Mario?" Luigi's face was puzzled. "I lost you at 'eco-friendly.'"

"He's green."

"Gotcha. Hey, isn't green Bowser more so King Koopa's shtick?"

"You'd think. In my opinion, the Super Mario Maker version of him looks way better. Next we have the Clown Copter itself. Just look at those darling eyes and cute mouth. Tell me it isn't sentient."

"Yeah, if it was, players would think _i_ _t_ was the final boss of Super Mario World."

"Speaking of sentient, what do you make of those fireballs?"

"The ones with eyes and mouths? Those are probly Fryguy's teenage sons without their shades. Plus they haven't had their morning coffee yet."

"And they just _die_ after a few seconds of being on screen. Poor fireballs."

"There's more, isn't there?"

"Oh yes," Mario replied as he resumed the video. "Lots more."

* * *

 **As the Clown Copter returned to its position above Mario, he could see Princess Peach inside. "Help!" she cried as she tossed a Mushroom down to her hero. She retreated back into the vehicle as Bowser re-emerged.**

* * *

"Now just a minute!" Luigi cried. "How can both Peach and Bowser fit into the same Clown Copter?"

"It's a _Clown_ Copter, Luigi. Nevertheless, I've ridden them before, and you can't possibly fit anything else in there."

"The Koopalings could barely fit in one," remembered Luigi. "I gotta admit, I feel bad for the princess, having to be squeezed in there with Bowser."

"And several dozen Mechakoopas which happen to be the only way to beat him in this fight," added Mario. "Plus, Bowser's actually _ducking down_ in order to reach the Mechakoopas. I thought that the rim of the Clown Copter was stuck around his waist or something."

"And also think of the princess," said Luigi. "She's crammed in there with no room, two gigantic mushrooms, and who knows how many Mechakoopas."

"I have a feeling that's not all," said Mario, pressing the play button once more.

* * *

 **As the battle progressed, Bowser turned the Clown Copter upside-down to release a Big Steely onto the battlefield. It rolled toward Mario, who jumped over it.**

* * *

"...I have no words," Mario finally said. "He turned the whole thing upside-down to dump a cannonball out. And yet the thing still manages to fly!"

"And there's just _barely_ enough room for the Clown Copter's passengers," Luigi pointed out.

"I'm amazed that Peach doesn't fall out of there," said Mario, who was still trying to wrap this concept around his mind.

"Yeah. Those Big Steelies must weigh a ton."

"They do. Have you not seen the ones at Bob-omb Battlefield?"

"Nope. I never appeared in that game."

"But you did in the sequel. To think that the princess could be crushed by Bowser's legs, Mechakoopas, and the wall of the Clown Copter. That's scary."

* * *

 **Two hits later, Mario dodged the falling fireballs again, and Peach tossed him another Mushroom. Then instead of flying normally, Bowser bounced his vehicle around the arena, attempting to crush the plumber. Mario had also noticed that the Clown Copter's face had changed.**

* * *

"I knew it was sentient!" shouted Mario. "Clown Copters may not speak, but they can really express themselves!"

"Also, bouncing around in that thing is not only a great way to break the propeller," said Luigi, "but it will probably want your lunch to check out what's happening outside."

"...On that note, we'll wrap this up. Thanks for joining us, and come back next time for more Logical Mario!"


	3. Coins and Mario Kart

_**Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _I liked this a lot. I know the Mario series isn't meant to be realistic or supposed to be taken too seriously, but I love fanfics that show up everything that's wrong with the Mario universe, especially when it's funny, like this one. Followed!_

 **Me too! And thanks for following!**

* * *

 _ **C. Mechayoshi**_

 _Interesting meta!_

 **Thanks!**

* * *

 **Mario, Wario, and Donkey Kong were entering the home stretch. In a race like Mount Wario, it was anyone's game.**

 **As Wario was just ahead of him, Mario, having collected a Mushroom, used it to pass his rival. He saw a group of coins ahead and drove into them, increasing his total to the maximum of ten.**

* * *

 **"** Welcome back to Logical Mario," said Mario. "Today's topic: coins and their role in the Mario Kart series."

"Also, we have a special guest with us," announced Luigi. "Say hello to... Wario..."

"What? You gotta be kidding me," complained the plumber in yellow. "Why not call me something manly, like Wario-Man, or Dr. Wario, or-"

"No. Not Dr. Wario," Mario cut him off. "I'd hate to see what you would prescribe people. Anyway, what's wrong with coins in Mario Kart, you may ask?"

"Why is it impossible to have more than ten?" wondered Wario. "What's wrong with being rich?"

"Good point," said Mario. You can have a maximum of ten coins in just about every aspect of the modern Mario Kart games, but you can have more than ten coins in Mario Kart Wii. Why is that?"

"Taxes," Luigi spoke. "That's the only reasonable answer."

"Taxes?" Wario was incredulous. " _That's_ the reason we have an unreasonable limit for coin collecting?"

"Well, yeah... Wait, what happens to coins that would have raised the total to more than ten?!"

"They go in my pocket," said a smug Wario.

"Oh. No _wonder_ you're so filthy rich."

"Yup. Both words describe me perfectly."

Changing the subject, Mario said, "Does anyone know who might have littered their money on a race track?"

"The same guy who dumps boxes of trash in neat, orderly rows on those same race tracks," answered Wario. "That's why I hate Lakitus. Have you not _seen_ that red-shelled one?"

"The one who is illegally travelling without a cloud," verified Luigi. "Karts, bikes, and ATVs are no substitute for the luxury ride of a stolen Lakitu cloud."

"Yeah, that's the only thing I like about Lakitus," said Wario.

"Don't even get us started on the rumor that coins can make you go faster," said Mario.

"Now you know why my Wario Bike is so fast," Wario crossed his arms across his muscular chest.

"I'm glad I'm not a heavyweight," said Luigi under his breath.

"I heard that!"

"Wait, wait, wait!" exclaimed Mario. "There's money littered on the track, and you know how people seem to be attracted to money, right," he said, eyeing Wario. "Well, let's see what happens! " He pressed a button on the controller to the Scenario Simulator 2500, built by Professor E. Gadd specifically for this story."

"It's made of recycled parts from a Poltergust prototype," added Luigi.

"Is there a rule about fourth-wall breaking?" asked Wario.

* * *

 **In a different scenario than the one shown above, Rosalina had the lead, with Baby Mario and Toad close behind. The racetrack was once again the downhill segment of Mount Wario.**

 **Suddenly, the spectators scrambled over the guardrails, not caring about the mysterious lack of security guards, and scrambled onto the racetrack to pinch as many pennies as their pockets desired.**

* * *

"Wahahaha!" laughed Wario. "Oh, that's rich! I _so_ gotta try that some day!"

"Please don't," muttered Luigi.

"Just hope that none of those coins belong to the Koopalings," cautioned Mario. "Because everyone knows that if you pinch Wendy's pennies, they pinch back."

"I almost learned the hard way," Luigi shuddered. "And to think we didn't have the enclosed instruction book with us."

"... _What_ now?" Wario was confused. However, the only reason he followed along was because the conversation involved money.

"Don't worry about it," said Mario. "Anyway, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for joining us, Wario, and please make sure you don't run over any loose change on your way out."

"Oh, I won't!" Wario said as he got up.

"...Why do we literally 'get a life' when we spend one hundred coins without our consent?" wondered Luigi.


	4. The Floor is Lava

_**Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _This is so true. It always annoyed me slightly that you couldn't get more than 10 coins in MK7 (I suppose it's better than no coins at all like in MKDS - coins make the game that bit more exciting). Also, I'm not complaining here, but why DO coins make you faster? And of all characters they could have used in MK7 - Birdo, Waluigi, even E Gadd or Pauline! ..._ _they chose Lakitu? I really don't get the logic in that. So they couldn't include a well-liked character like Waluigi, but they could put in Lakitu (and while I'm at it, Honey Queen as well?)._

 _Either way this was a great chapter, and I'll be sure to look out for updates._

 **I thought the whole "coins make you faster" thing was just a myth until my brother confirmed it. Also, there shouldn't have to be a low maximum coin limit. Just saying.**

 **Also, Pauline and E. Gadd would both be great choices for characters, but nooo, they _had_ to come up with new baby characters that probably won't appear in any other Mario series (MK8 alone has FIVE babies). Also, they have a Baby Rosalina but no Baby Waluigi?**

 **I'm with you at that last bit. It's true; the only MK7 character choice worse than Lakitu is Honey Queen. She was a _very_ minor who had only appeared in both Super Mario Galaxy games prior to MK7. Good thing she's not in MK8.**

* * *

 ** _C. Mechayoshi_**

 _Hehe. New Mario games don't even have manuals anymore. Still, good chapter._

 **It's true; unfortunately, "Check out the enclosed instruction book" has no meaning anymore. Well, technically, it's enclosed digitally with the game, but still.**

* * *

"Mario, why are we holding today's episode inside Bowser's castle?" Luigi asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" exclaimed Bowser as he entered the room. "Today we're going to have a little chat about what dominates my kingdom: _**LAVA**_!"

"...Was it really necessary to bold, italicize, underline, and capitalize a word just to make an introduction?"

Bowser shrugged at Luigi's response. "My castle, my rules."

They walked over to a nearby lava pit. Of course, it was complete with Lava Bubbles and steel girders.

"Video, please!" demanded Bowser.

* * *

 **Here he was, at the first castle he encountered on his journey. Mario took a deep breath before entering.**

 **Wow! It had to be at least a hundred degrees in here! After taking a few steps, he saw the cause:**

 **Lava.**

 **Mario knew that, if he touched it, he would die a two-thousand-degree death. So he carefully leaped over the lava pit.**

* * *

Mario looked down at the lava pit. "Two thousand degrees of fiery liquid that strangely doesn't scorch anything."

"Tell me about it," said Luigi. He pointed into the distance. "Look at those steel girders! Mario, you said that lava is two thousand degrees, right?"

"Correct."

"Well, two thousand degrees is hot enough to **_melt steel_**. And yet there's not a single burn mark on those girders! Bowser, are you sure that's really steel?"

"Even _I_ don't know what it is," admitted Bowser. "But I can tell you it was a _steal_!"

Mario pretended not to notice Bowser's pun. "Could someone please explain the eyes on those Lava Bubbles?"

"What, you mean the fact that they don't burn up or something?" said Bowser.

"Or the fact that they have eyes in some games but not others?" added Luigi.

"But they looked like they were wearing masks in the old Paper Mario games," Bowser pointed out.

Mario's eyes widened. "Is Nintendo hinting at Fryguy's return?"

Bowser almost guffawed. "Dude. Guy's already in SMB: The Novelized Comic. What more could you want?"

"That's not quite what I meant, but still."

Mario turned back to the others. "All right, who can explain rising and falling lava?"

Luigi snickered. "And how it doesn't destroy NSMB's World 4-Tower when it rises?"

"Alien rock," Bowser stated automatically.

"Yeah, there's no explanation for changing lava levels," Luigi said while ignoring Bowser.

"You're forgetting my castle in New Super Mario Bros. Wii!" reminded Bowser.

"Tell me about it," said Mario as he recalled the room before the checkpoint. "There were bone platforms, coins, and even Firebars submerged in the sinking lava. If they aren't completely burned and disintegrated - and they aren't - then they should be extremely hot to the touch."

"News flash! Lava isn't as hot as you think!" Luigi imitated a news reporter.

"Now that we're done our little chat about lava, why don't you two pack up and GET OUT OF MY CASTLE!"

"Whoa, Bowser!" exclaimed Mario. "We don't spam caps around here!"

"Sorry. Force of habit."

"You might be right, Luigi," Mario went back to the original subject. "I had no trouble cleaning up the lava goop with F.L.U.D.D. in places like Pianta Village."

"That's goop, not lava," corrected Bowser.

"Still."

Mario turned to the readers. "Looks like we're about done here. Come back next time for more Logical Mario!"

"Rushed ending!" noted Bowser.


	5. The Minus World

_**Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

Ah, the ever changing, inaccurate physics of Mario games! Great chapter, by the way.

 **Thanks!**

* * *

 _ **C. Mechayoshi**_

Bowser should be a guest again. He was awesome. Anyway I think Mario lava is something like hot kool-aid. That could explain why it doesn't instakill in 3d games, but it wouldn't explain the podoboos... Also poison purple goop (World 5 NSMB and games like Galaxy and Odyssey) is actually more deadly than 'lava' because it instakills to the touch in both 2D and 3d games. That's scary.

 **Scary indeed. I should probably make a chapter on that.**

 **And yes, Bowser will return soon!**

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

Well, I have to disagree with you on disliking the characters in mario kart 7, as I rather liked Lakitu and honey queen, but I do agree that it wood be cool to have or pauline in a mario kart game. Actually, I wish they wood make a paper Mario kart, with paper courses and paper characters.

Anyway, this chapter was really good. you're right that it doesn't mak sence that the lava rises. Also Bowsers pun was awesome.

 **The MK7 characters thing was just my personal opinion. As for Paper Mario Kart... interesting idea! #Merlon #Kammy #Grodus**

 **Also, what is really causing the lava to rise or fall? We may never know!**

* * *

 _ **YinWriter**_

Please continue this! Luigi's line at the end of Chapter 3 was absolutely brilliant.

 **Thanks! That line was based in part on a meme I saw.**

* * *

Soon after their trip to Bowser's Castle, Mario and Luigi found a pipe that led to a cave.

"This is the very first World 1-2 I've been to," mused Mario, leaping over the blue Goombas near the cave's beginning.

"Wait a minute, Mario," said Luigi. "We haven't even reached the point of this chapter, and I've already noticed something weird about this cave."

"And what's that?"

"We just went down a pipe, and instead of emerging from the other side, we just drop in out of thin air!"

"That _is_ strange," replied Mario. "I noticed the same thing with the underwater levels."

"I _think_ they do that with the later games as well," noted Luigi.

"You're right," confirmed Mario.

Two minutes of Goomba-stomping, shell-kicking, and plant-vaulting later, they reached the end of the cave. A pipe led back to the surface.

"Shall we?" asked Luigi.

Mario thought for a minute. "Not yet," he said, while looking up at the overhanging bricks.

Luigi turned to Mario. "You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, right?"

"That's right," the plumber in red replied. "We're breaking down the logic points of the Minus World."

"Did you say Minus World?" came a voice behind them. The plumbers turned to see Waluigi approaching them.

"Uh... Yeah, we did," replied Luigi, unsure of what his anti-twin wanted.

" _The_ most famous glitch in video game history?! I really wanna see what's it like!" the purple-clad plumber replied. "By the sounds of it, it sounds like a whole different universe!"

"For all I care, _you_ came from a whole different universe," muttered Luigi under his breath.

"Wait a minute," interjected Mario. "This story is supposed to be about logic, not walkthroughs."

"Let's do both!" said Waluigi. "We're _totally_ not cheating here..."

"Okay, I can see how that works," realized Mario. "Go ahead."

"Okay, so first, you leap up onto the end pipe," he said while doing so.

"I know how to get there," said Mario.

"Yeah, but I kinda don't want to go there again, as we'd be trapped until we die," added Luigi.

"Then you stand at the edge and duck while facing left."

"Still nothing illogical yet," noted Luigi.

"Then jump right while still ducking and still facing left. Is that right?"

"Wait, how did you learn about the Minus World technique?" wondered Luigi.

Waluigi shrugged. "The Internet," he lied, even though Mario and Luigi knew it was actually Rogueport gossip.

Continuing, he said, "After you jump, just when you're about to come back down, you should be right under the ceiling, as well as touching an exact spot on the pipe."

He leaped into the air, and got himself wedged into the wall. "You see? Waluigi's number one again!"

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Luigi. "Logic breach! How are you stuck inside a brick wall?"

"But you did it before!" retorted Waluigi as he began to move through the wall away from the others.

"That's beside the point," said Mario. "Matter cannot overlap matter in the same instance of time."

But Waluigi would have none of it. "You went to the Minus World before, and now you're telling me I can't?!"

"I didn't say you couldn't," amended Mario. "I just said it was illogical."

Mario couldn't hear Waluigi's reply, for he was now on the other side of the wall.

"Now that Waluigi's out of view, let's activate our screen," Mario told the viewers. Pressing a button on a controller that Professor E. Gadd gave to him for some kind of invention that projects things onto walls and I have no idea why I'm rambling right now. Anyway, Mario pressed the button, and a view of Waluigi was projected onto the wall.

"He just entering the pipe now," Luigi said as Waluigi disappeared from view. The camera faded to black and then opened to a scene Mario had not seen in a long time.

"The Minus World..." he breathed.

"Wait, there's an entrance pipe but no exit pipe?" Luigi noted. "Does this mean people magically appear underwater once going through that pipe?" He scratched his head. " or could it mean the Minus World is right under our feet?"

"Actually," Mario theorized, "the Minus World was probably not meant to exist."

"Then how am I here?" came Waluigi's voice from the screen.

"Wait, you can hear us?!" Mario was astonished.

"Of course I can hear you," Waluigi droned, indicating the earpiece he was suddenly wearing. "Now watch me swim through this illogical world!"

"It's strangely _identical_ to World 7-2," Luigi noted.

"Having two identical levels in the same game is uncanny and illogical," said Mario.

A minute later, Waluigi reached the end of the Minus World.

"Now watch me slide down the flagpole!" he crowed as he ascended the pipe.

"Here it comes," Mario said to himself as he watched the plumber in purple reappear at the beginning of the level again.

"Wah! What is this sorcery?!" he cried.

Luigi facepalmed. "I was hoping he would not _wah_ this chapter."

"Actually, the pipe should lead to the surface," reasoned Mario, "but the glitch overrides this and sends Waluigi back to the beginning of the level instead."

"Glitches don't exist in real life," said Luigi.

"Get me out of here!" Waluigi cried.

"Sorry," Mario said, "but unless you have a Game Shark, you're trapped until you run out of lives... or air, whichever comes first."

"Or I can just turn off the power on my NES," Waluigi said. "Or maybe..."

He pulled a controller from his pocket and pressed a button. But instead of something glorious happening, like a Starshroom fleet or big explosion... a Lakitu fished him out of the water.

"Farewell, Minus World!" he cried. "I'll never forget you!"

"But you can't leave the water in an underwater level in the original game!" Luigi said. "And why are there air meters in the 3D games but not the 2D games?"

"Those are for other chapters," Mario said in closing. "Readers, join us next time for another installment of Logical Mario, and remember: do not wedge yourself in bricks. Glitches do not exist in real life."

"Prove it!" Waluigi's voice came from the screen. He was wedged in yet another block.

Luigi facepalmed. "Oh, _brother_..."


	6. Down with Petey Piranha!

_**C. Mechayoshi**_

 _Hopefully Waluigi will learn that glitches aren't to be toyed with next time. Also I wanted to see that Starshroom fleet. XD_

 **There are still so many glitches for Waluigi to discover. Possible running gag, maybe?**

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

 _I'm glad you find my Paper Mario Kart idea interesting. If I was in charge of Nintendo, I wood totally make it. Although, fans wood probably hate that I wood put Huey and Kirsty in it along with the characters from the other Paper Mario characters._

 _Now, on to the chapters. Waluigi's hear! Yay! By the way, what is the minus world? I've never heard of it. Shame on me._

 **#GrodusAndBleckForMK9**

 **The Minus World is perhaps the most famous glitch in video game history. By making certain moves at the end of World 1-2 in the original Super Mario Bros. (it doesn't work for remakes), the player can play through the underwater segment of World 7-2 until he runs out of lives. Cool, huh?**

* * *

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _I loved this! The Minus World glitch is probably one of the coolest glitches ever. I also loved the inclusion of Waluigi!_

 **Thanks! Waluigi was a lot of fun to write.**

* * *

"Here we are - Bianco Hills!" Mario announced.

"I kinda wish I was in that game," Luigi sighed. "I guess 3D games have a thing against sidekicks?"

"Not at all!" Mario responded. "I had F.L.U.D.D., Yoshi, Cappy... but yeah, I see where you're coming from."

"Hey, at least I have my own game series," Luigi was optimistic.

Mario saw one of the Pianta villagers trying to rid himself of the goop that was covering him. "Game physics will never allow him to clean the goop off of him."

"That and the goop should damage him after a while," added Luigi.

"But that's not the reason we're here."

"So what is?"

Mario pointed to the giant windmill in the distance. "That!"

"O-kay..." Luigi thought carefully as they started toward the windmill. "Why does this place look too much like Bob-omb Battlefield?"

"Big open area... giant mountain with rolling objects... Definitely too similar."

Speaking of rolling objects, they got to the mountain quickly. Due to their team skills, they found no need to use F.L.U.D.D. Besides, they didn't even bring him along.

"Watch out for these Piranhabons," warned Mario as he leaped over one of them. Luigi followed suit. "Without the goop surrounding them, they look too much like Petey Piranha."

"Uh, they're supposed to be plants," Luigi realized. "Without roots, they'll die."

"Bingo!" Mario agreed as they neared the top of the mountain. There was the windmill at the top.

"There's Petey Piranha himself," Mario pointed. "And who is that about to fight him?"

"Gimme my money back, you stupid plant!" shouted a masculine voice from the top of the windmill. The plumbers recognized the voice as belonging to someone who happened to wear yellow, have a double chin, and be rotund at the politest.

"Obviously Petey has swallowed Wario's money," surmised Luigi.

"True," agreed Mario, "but why is Wario taking on Petey without F.L.U.D.D.?"

Luigi thought this over. "Good point. Even the princess couldn't beat him without crying her eyes out."

Mario and Luigi began to ride the blades of the windmill to the top, but Wario had already stepped onto the roof with the gigantic bipedal Piranha Plant, which promptly olet out an unearthly screech.

"I'll bet that sound effect hasn't been used in game since," commented Luigi.

"Sound effect?" boomed Wario's voice from above them. "I'm the king of sound effects at WarioWare (well, acrually, Jimmy T. is), and I can tell you that sound was coming from a flesh and bome being! Actually, leaf and-"

 _Crack._

At the initial crack, Petey looked down sharply, then up at Wario.

"Wait a minute," Mario noted. "Petey must be around thousand pounds. I'm around two hundred pounds, so how can just a tiny change in weight suddenly cause the roof to cave in?"

"Are ya weight-shaming me down there?" Wario shouted.

"No, not at all!" amended Mario.

"Also, this is Logical Mario, not the Game Theorists!"

"We are aware of that," came the answer from below.

Just then Bowser came in his Clown Copter. " _There_ you are, Petey! Reprising your old role again? Why are you standing on top of an old windmill that not only doesn't support your weight, but has nothing inside it?"

"Wait, you're saying the windmill is here just because it might make a great battle arena?" Wario was confused.

 _Crack._

"I just hope you've got F.L.U.D.D. with you, Wario," said Bowser. "You're gonna need it. No, wait. Petey, I need you come with me for tryouts in case Nintendo releases a baseball game for the Switch."

Petey was just about to take off when the roof suddenly caved in.

"No, wait!" Bowser changed his mind again. "Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus needs you for his Waluigi's Taco Stand story!"

"Different universe!" Wario shouted as he fell.

Mario and Luigi reached the top of the windmill and looked down inside. Wario landed on his feet, while Petey landed on his back.

"Um... Shouldn't they both be dead?" Luigi questioned.

"Yeah," Mario said. "The shock of Wario's landing should have jolted through his whole body, killing him. Petey should have a broken spine; but look, he's getting up again."

Sure enough, the plant creature stood right back up and faced Wario.

"Who needs F.L.U.D.D when I've got sheer brawn!" he crowed as he strutted up to Petey and punched him clear out of the windmill.

"No spinach involved," Luigi breathed with sheer fascination.

"But there's one illogical thing more to talk about!" Mario noted.

"And that is...?" Wario and Bowser both wanted to know.

"How is he going to get out of there?"

"Mama mia!" Wario cried. "I shouldn't have punched Petey out of here! He has the Shine Sprite, which is my only ticket out of here!"

"There's another illogical thing," Luigi noted. "Shine Sprites and Power Stars can _magically_ teleport you out of where you are and send you back to where you were in the main hub."

"Actually, Wario," Mario corrected, "I already retrieved the Shine Sprite from him. _Two_ , actually."

"Grrr..." Wario growled, mad at his own mistake. "You, Koopa king! Get me out of here!"

"Only if you promise to become my minion," Bowser proposed.

"Deal! I worked nst you before... I can work for you too! As long as you pay me enough, of course."

"Who are you kidding?" guffawed the Koopa king. "You know I don't pay my minions !"

"I don't care, as long as I can get out of here!"

"Great, you're hired," Bowser said. Meet me at the castle at nine tomorrow morning for an interview. See ya!" he shouted as he flew away.

"Aren't you gonna get me out of this tube?" Wario bellowed.

Then hw noticed a camouflaged door inside. Stepping through it, he found himself falling through a portal that led to...

"Wwlcome to Waluigi Pinball! Wah!" came an automated voice.

"Waluigi! Is that you?" asked Wario.

No reply. (What do you expect from an automated voice?)

"Just... end this so I can go home to my WarioWare..."

#TotallyNotProductPlacementForWarioWareGold


	7. Pipe Dreams

_**Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _I loved this!_

 **I'm glad you did!**

 _ **Guest**_

 _Okay, I've never played the NES version of Super Mario Bros. so that may contribute to why I didn't know what the minus world was._

 _I also have never played Super Mario Sunshine, so I don't know anything about the windmill, but it was cool that Wario showed up, and thi part about Petey having to try out for a new baseball game was great._

 **Yeah, it _is_ about time for a new baseball game. How will they do it without a Wii Remote? Well, they did manage it with the GameCube, so there's that. Also, I'll definitely use Wario more in the future!**

* * *

Mario and Luigi were once again underground. This time there was a large assortment of pipes scattered throughout the cavern.

"So... We're seeing how pipes are illogical?" Luigi guessed.

"Bingo."

"But didn't Super Mario 3D world tell us how we travel through pipes?"

"That didn't explain enough. You see, the most common pipe is the kind where you go down one of them and come up another. But some of them you enter or exit the side, but we'll get to that later."

"Waitaminute! There's something illogical about the most basic kind of pipe travel!"

"And that is...?"

"You go down them feet first and come up head first! Where would you turn around inside the pipe?"

"Good point!" Mario said. "Maybe there could be a turnaround point somewhere, but still."

"And _then_ there's the times when you go down a pipe, and then appear in midair underground, or even right in the middle of a lake!" Luigi continued.

"First-time players would probably not know World 2-2 is an underwater stage in the original game," Mario added. "Their lungs wouldn't be ready to suddenly be filled with water!"

"Yikes... that's a scary thought."

"And even the clear pipes are illogical!" Mario continued. Those clear pipes in Super Mario 3D World, you know them? Well, what's causing the suction within them?"

"If it's open on the other side as well, then yeah, what _is_ causing the suction?"

"Allow me to explain," came a voice from a figure that surfaced from a nearby pipe.

"Professor E. Gadd! Good to see you again!" Luigi shook hands with the figure.

"Didn't the Game Theorists say you could be a villain, or maybe a double agent?"

"...What? No! That paintbrush I created was made for you, not that Shadow Mario menace.

"What would I do with graffiti? I'm a plumber, not a street artist!"

"Could we please get to the point?" Luigi was slightly impatient.

"Yes." E. Gadd cleared his throat. "You see, nothing can explain how I traveled through that pipe just now. I can't just crawl up a 90-degree wall that may or may not have sewage in it."

"...You just made it weird," Luigi cringed.

"Pipes are, after all, dirty places. So, anyway, to explain those clear pipes, I noticed invisible Ty-Foos at each end of the pipes."

"You're just making things up now," Mario was skeptical. "Don't you know just how _large_ Ty-Foos are? Also, they need to exhale at some point."

"Scientists don't 'make things up', as you so flippantly put it," E. Gadd said. "Besides, these Ty-Foos are _tiny_."

"Then those are probably Ruff Puffs," deducted Luigi.

"Yes, probably. I'm not part of the Paper Mario world, so I wouldn't know these things. Well, I need to go. I hope to see you at the Luigi's Mansion sequel to film the cutscenes!"

"Yeah, I'll be there," Luigi said. "(Please don't make me fight Bogmire again...)"

Suddenly they heard a cry from the pipe below. A Piranha Plant surfaced and spat out the professor before sinking back into the pipe.

"And that brings up _another_ logic point," said Mario. "If you enter a warp pipe after a Piranha Plant sinks back down into it, wouldn't it still be able to attack you?"

"I'm all the proof you need," groaned E. Gadd.

"Well, ahem, to prevent this from getting any more embarrassing, as well as confusing, we'll just end this here. See you next time!"


	8. Paint Me a Picture

_**Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _Great chapter as always! Wow, everything you said about the warp pipes was pretty mind-blowing..._

 **Sometimes the best Logical Mario stories come to mind when I think a little too deeply!**

 _ **James Birdsong**_

 _Good seven chapters_

 **Thanks!**

 _ **Guest**_

 _I have always wondered how you turn yourself around in the pipes. And the point about Piranha Plants made me laugh._

 **Well now you know... and doooon't you forget _it_! Also logic can be very humorous at times if you think about it.**

 _ **C. Mechayoshi**_

 _In some games underwater pipes can also blow air, so interesting theory._

 _Also, do people seriously think is evil?_

 **Then there's the entire theory of Mario being able to breathe underwater in 2D games but not 3D games. But what could cause the pipes to blow air? Maybe an underwater fan?**

 **Also, not everyone thinks Professor E. Gadd is evil, including me. But I thought MatPat had an amazing theory there.**

* * *

Peach's Castle is a beautiful place. Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Is he gonna do the infinite staircase?" Well, let's find out...

Mario and Luigi sprang out of a warp pipe outside and ran toward the castle.

"Which one are you gonna do this time, Mario?" asked Luigi.

"The paintings!" he replied. "Let's see how illogical the central hub can really be!"

"You bet!"

And so the two plumbers entered the castle.

"Where to?" Luigi asked, before Mario pointed to the leftmost door.

"Bob-omb Battlefield," Mario answered. They entered the room, and sure enough, there was the famous first painting from Super Mario 64.

"...It's basically a portal," Luigi pointed out. "What's so special about it?"

"These portals are most likely their own dimensions," Mario said. "But what about the space beyond the borders of these dimensions?"

"Maybe they _are_ real places after all," thought Luigi.

"Another question is: Who painted these pictures?"

"I... don't know. They look good enough to be photographs."

"Also, what's that evil-looking face in the Lethal Lava Land portrait?"

"Probably a Duplighost."

Just then Peach entered the room. "Hi, boys!" She greeted. "Trying to find out how paint takes you from one place to another?"

"Now that you mention it," Mario pointed out, "The portals in Super Mario Sunshine are also made of paint."

"Wow... I guess I didn't realize that, because I was attending my regularly scheduled kidnapping appointment with Bowser."

"Yeah, I know. Priorities first."

"So, um, I've got a question about all this," spoke the princess.

"Yes?" Both plumbers wanted to know what she had to say.

"Why on earth do I have portraits of Bob-ombs and Goombas in my castle? And it's almost like Bowser wanted us to win, the way he placed all 120 (or 150, depending on the game) Power Stars in the paintings."

"That, and also, whole you're in captivity, Bowser could just go and wreak havoc across the entire rest of the Mushroom Kingdom," realized Mario.

"I totally had that covered," Luigi chimed in. "Remember that whole Waffle Kingdom adventure?"

"That's a whole other kingdom," reminded Mario. "I hear Waluigi was the _real_ hero. He saved the entire kingdom with just his trusty taco stand."

"You're just using product placement to get Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus to read the story," teased Luigi.

Mario knew he was caught. "That, and I think we should get a _tad_ more random."

"Yeah," replied Luigi.

Suddenly Waluigi leaped out of the painting. "This shouldn't even work as a portal. I mean, it's _paint_!"

"I _think_ this will be a good place to wrap it up," Mario said before a rogue water bubble shot exploded out of the painting and enveloped Waluigi.

"Now I'm really air swimming!" he exclaimed.


	9. Bowser's Damage Physics

_**Guest**_

 _Well, I'm assuming you've been reading Waluigi's Taco Stand!_

 _I've always considered the paintings to be portals to other demesions, but I never realy thought of what's past the edge of the demensions. Perhaps they just end?_

 _There are some very strang places in some of the levels. In Super Mario 64 DS ( I'm not sure about the original ) in either wet dry world or the water level in the basement ( I can't remember which one ) if you swim into one cave you get telaported outside for no reason!_

 _And of course, Waluigi makes his return. I look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Not only read it, but _finished_ it! (So far.) And I'm a couple days away from finishing Life at Pizza Hut as well!**

 ** _Do_ the dimensions within the paintings end? Perhaps they do, for I believe Mario will hit an invisible wall if he tries to use a cannon to shoot himself out of the level in places like Bob-omb Battlefield of Shifting Sand Land.**

 **The cave you mentioned can be found in Hazy Maze Cave, and yes, it does appear in the original game. There are actually two stars here in the DS version.**

 **This is definitely not the last we've seen of Waluigi!**

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _Great chapter as always and I can't wait for more!_

 **And more you shall get! :)**

* * *

Mario and Luigi were once again visiting Bowser's Castle.

"What do you two want now?" he demanded. "I'm kinda busy scheming how to capture the princess-"

"Actually," corrected Mario, "we want to know how your damage physics clash between games."

"What? Like, how you can stomp on me in the Paper Mario games but not the New Super Mario Bros. games for that manner?"

"Yeah, something like that."

Luigi cleared his throat. "So, are you using some kind of power-up we don't know about?" he asked.

Bowser shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe this 'power-up' would also explain how you guys are launched backward if you bump into me in the NSMB games."

"So that's why you ate all that food in your castle..." mused Luigi.

"And made us go to the Flab Zone," added Mario.

"We don't speak of that anymore!" exclaimed Bowser. "But about this chapter's topic. How _do_ you think my damage physics work?"

Mario thought for a moment. "You couldn't be stomped on in SMB, SMB3, SMW - even through SM64, most likely because of your horns-"

"And my shell, don't forget that," interjected Bowser.

"...Yes. Then you could actually be stomped on in Paper Mario. Did that Star Rod weaken you a bit?"

Bowser almost laughed. "Pff, no. I had 99 HP. How is that weak in any way?"

"You kinda didn't have as much as Mr. L's Brobot..." thought Luigi.

Bowser actually laughed this time. "Ironic, coming from the guy who _was_ Mr. L."

"Sigh... Let's just put that behind us, okay?" Luigi protested.

"But about your damage physics," mused Mario. "I think it's just because Nintendo thought you looked squishy in the RPGs."

Bowser rolled his eyes. "Me? Squishy? You know how hard-headed I can be in the 2D games. In fact, in modern times, NSMB is the only 2D platformer where I don't become giant."

"Yeah, like _that_ hasn't happened a million times already," Luigi stated.

"And don't even get us started on when we encountered Bowser X in your body." reminisced Mario.

"I... I'm inside myself?" Bowser was incredulous.

"Yeah. Believe it or not, your X form is more powerful than that one time we fought you in Dr. Toadley's clinic.

"Impossible!" roared Bowser. "There can only be one Bowser! I must fight him!"

"Uh, that will have to wait for another chapter," Mario said. "Until next time!"

* * *

"That was pretty lame," Dr. Snoozemore stated upon reviewing this chapter. "The topic of Bowser's damage physics was hardly touchedzzzz... Snore..."

"Might I bring to light the truth?" Kamek began. "It was Bowser's supposed black magic from SMB1. It got a little spotty every now and then. At least it held in 64 and Sunshine."

"But not in the RPGs," Lord Crump added. "And with that, POW! Chapter's done!"


	10. Bite the Bullet

**A/N:** Sorry if it's been a while since the last chapter! I've been putting all my effort into finishing the first chapter of Chaos on Earth! Also, for those of you waiting for SMB:TNC, I will post the next three chapters in the coming weeks as a "thank you for being patient" gift. Ideas would be appreciated, PM me with the prefix [SMB:TNC] if you have an idea.

And now, on to the illogical logic randomness!

 _ **Guest**_

 _Yes, I have wondered why we can jump on_ _Bowser in some games but not in others. Also, I never realy thought about it bou Bowser does grow huge alot._

 _Thank you for confirming which level that weird cave is in. Also, yay, a Mr.L reference! I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Not only does Bowser become giant too often, but his size varies from game to game. Pretty inconsistent yet interesting.**

 **Mr. L happens to be one of my favorite members of Count Bleck's council, up there with Dimentio and the Count himself. And Nastasia.**

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _I often did think about that: how you can stomp on Bowser in some games, but not others. Great chapter and I'm excited for next time!_

 **And you shall have the next chapter! :)**

* * *

"Duck!" shouted Mario as a Bullet Bill sped toward him and Luigi. They ducked just in time, and the projectile sailed over their heads.

"There are more of them!" Luigi pointed at an incoming group of Bullet Bills. The Rock-Candy Mines were relentless today.

As Mario and Luigi ducked under and jumped over the Bullet Bills, Luigi was puzzled about something. "Just how can there be so many Bullet Bills in one cannon?"

"Hammerspace, probably," shrugged Mario.

"Hammerspace?"

"Back pocket principle," explained Mario as he kicked a Bullet Bill away.

"Uh, Mario?" Luigi said. "I'm pretty sure Nintendo didn't program you to do that."

"Do what?"

"Kick Bullet Bills. The only ways to really defeat them without getting all OP is stomping on them or using an Ice Flower."

"Don't worry, Luigi," Mario said as he punched one Bullet Bill into another, causing a fireworks display that attracted the nearby Monty Moles. "I follow the rules in the games, but this is a fanfiction-"

Suddenly there came a rumbling sound, followed by a crash.

"What was that?!" exclaimed Mario, looking for the source of the sound.

Luigi facepalmed. "I believe you just broke the fourth wall."

"Again?" Mario slowly shook his head. "I'd better watch myself. We're wanted men."

Luigi perked up. "Was that a Star Wars reference?" Mario shrugged in response.

Luigi continued. "So this Hammerspace is responsible for the infinite number of Bullet Bills within the cannon. But what exactly causes the cannon to fire at certain intervals?"

Mario thought for a moment. "Probably an automatic mechanism within the cannon. Look, there's an alcove we can duck in for now."

"Good idea," Luigi said as he followed his brother into the cleft in the mountainside.

"That also brings up the topic of their mechanics in different games. In the 3D games especially, they seem to emerge from the cannon partway, _then_ fire."

"That _is_ strange," thought Luigi.

"And don't even get me started on how they have mouths in the Yoshi's Island games."

"...Different manufacturers?" Luigi wildly guessed.

"And _then_ there's the fact that they travel at one speed without slowing down."

"MatPat says 27 mph."

"So this means they really aren't that deadly?"

"Afraid not."

That's when the unexpected and yet inevitable happened. Mario darted from his hiding place, shouting at the Bullet Bills to come hit him, as they weren't deadly. He was hit by a few, but didn't suffer lasting damage. However, one of the "Leisurely Meandering Williams", as MatPat so accurately called them, struck Mario, sending him into a pit below. Luigi shrugged. Mario can be so dumb sometimes...

But wait...

"Sorry I'm late!" came the sudden voice of Mario from behind him. Luigi was stunned. "How... but..."

"That other me was a fake," explained Mario. "I learned that the Koopalings asked Bowser Jr. to turn back into Shadow Mario and use a perception filter to actually look like me. Kinda stupid, eh?"

"Y-Yeah," Luigi said, still startled at Mario's sudden appearance.

"Now let's go take care of these Bill Blasters!"

"That's what I like to hear!" agreed Luigi as the two dynamic plumbers continued their trek through the Rock-Candy Mines.


	11. Gone Bananas

_**Guest**_

 _Ha, Mario broke the fourth wall. And the line about them being wanted men was great!_

 _Bullet Bill do move very slowly. It's interesting that there's an actual speed for them. They seem more dangerous in the 3D games, because they explode when they hit something, and the mouths they have in the yoshi's island games are weird._

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Thought I'd throw in a classic Star Wars reference for fun there. :)**

 **Yeah, the 3D Bullet Bills _are_ more dangerous than the 2D ones. Also... is there a real difference between Missile Bills and Cat Bullet Bills?**

 **Anyway, here's the next chapter!**

* * *

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _Fantastic!_

 **Absolutely fantastic, as Doctor Who's Ninth Doctor says! :D**

 **Enjoy the next chapter!**

* * *

Mario and Luigi were attending a Mario Kart race at Figure 8 Circuit.

"Underrated race track, eh Mario?" Luigi asked.

"Yeah. But that's not why we're here." Mario straightened his cap. "We're here to find out what caused the racers to go _bananas_." Luigi groaned at Mario's pun.

Looking down at the race track, they saw that the track had banana peels strewn at different intervals.

"Looks like our racers have been busy," Mario noted as he watched Donkey Kong drop a few bananas he had been trailing behind him.

"So what's our logic story here?" asked Luigi. "Or rather, _illogic_ story." Just then Stuffwell popped out of Mario. "Just letting you know, 'illogic' isn't a word. BACK TO ADVENTURE!" he promptly leaped back inside Mario's personal Hammerspace. Luigi turned to Mario, who shrugged.

"Anyway," Mario cleared his throat, "bananas. They're a classic running gag, right? They're casually tossed for people to slip on. Guess what?" He whispered, "MythBusters proved it wrong."

"Yeah, so why are the karts slipping on them still?" wondered Luigi. "Banana peels are like only a few ounces, and karts must weigh a good five tons."

"Plus, where did the banana peels' faces come from? For more on this, we dragged in Diddy Kong for an interview. So, Diddy, are these bananas from DK's Banana Horde?"

"Uh... no?" Diddy guessed. "Actually, I don't really know; I can't really get anywhere near the race officials to ask. Maybe these bananas are ordinary ones, with faces digitally printed onto them. Kind of a smoke and mirrors thing, you know?"

"Interesting theory," Mario commented. "Another question: Why is Waluigi flying around the course throwing Spiny Shells, Bob-ombs, Red Shells, and Lightning everywhere?!"

Diddy shrugged. "Just another Mario Kart hacker."

Just then he was struck by a stray lightning bolt, thus shrinking him. Luigi turned to Mario. "I... don't think that's what normal lightning is supposed to do."

"But this is specialized lightning," Mario corrected, before realizing he was off-topic. "Wait, we're supposed to talk about bananas, not lightning! So, um, what with the eyes? Can they see anything? And the mouths. Can they speak?"

"You have nooo idea," said a tiny Diddy Kong in a high-pitched vibrato, thanks to the lightning's effect.

"Feel the power of infinite glitches!" roared Waluigi just before he morphed into a Bullet Bill and glitched himself ahead of the other racers.

"Looks like he had the whole glitching thing nailed down before Vanellope von Schweetz was a thing," muttered Luigi.

Waluigi unmorphed and hovered in his kart next to the plumbers. "This is also payback for me not being in Smash Ultimate," he said discreetly as he headed back into the race and zapped all the other racers with lightning again.

"Well," Mario said, "that's the power of item hacking. But that's for another Logical Mario chapter. But whose idea was it to use Donkey Kong's Banana Horde on a racetrack?"

"Wait, WHAT?!" Donkey Kong overheard, got out of his kart, and waved over the referee Lakitu. "My Banana Horde is _sacred_! No one can touch it! No one!"

"Oh no?" taunted King K. Rool as he flew away in an airship with the whole pile of bananas.

"I quit! Bananas first, trophies later!" He stormed off the track and after the Kremling leader.

"Look, Mario, I think it's getting too random at this point. Should we just call it quits?"

"Yeah," Mario agreed. "See you next time, everyone!"

* * *

 **A/N:** I don't know about you, but I always get a kick out of item hackers in Mario Kart. They're so much fun to watch!


	12. Moving Platforms

**A/N:** Hey everybody, just here to let you know I'm changing story styles again. First it used to be Mario and Luigi projecting a video in a room of some sort, then in Chapter 5, the plumbers were on scene discussing how illogical things were. Now it's going to be the plumbers showing surprise as to how illogical things are. Expect to see a couple rants from the boys out there. :D

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

 _It's true that bananas really shouldn't do anything to you. Although, the bananas in Mario Kart are actually huge compared to DK's bananas. The Mario Kart Bananas look to be the same size as the baby characters._

 _DK and Diddy both made there appearence, and Waluigi has returned with more hacks and glitches. The Vanelope line was great. Also Waluigi, don't give up hope for smash, you might be DLC ( I kind of doubt it, but I'll still hope for it. [I also want Banjo and Kazooie to get in.])_

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Really. How can anyone magically trail bananas behind them, also? They're almost the size of just about any kart!**

 **And yeah, I hope Waluigi will be a Smash character soon. If not, at least he helped to spawn many great memes this year.**

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _Yeah, it is a little weird how the banana peels have faces (and a lot of other supposedly inanimate things in the Mario universe). Can't wait for next time!_

 **"The Hills Have Eyes" just took on a whole new meaning. XD**

 _ **CloudySkies17695**_

 _I don't really know how to word this, but this is honestly much better than I could ever do. I must say that these little stories put a smile on my face. Keep it up. ;p_

 **I most certainly will! Here's the next chapter! :)**

* * *

Mario was revisiting the first World 1-3 he had ever been to. Trying not to rant at the possibility of a true bottomless pit, he made his way gingerly onto the first platform, and was glad it still held his weight after all these years.

He thought about those plumber-shaming memes - something about being able to break bricks with his head, but dying when touching turtles. This was the man who had been to the Subspace Emissary. He even survived the Underwhere, for crying out loud (gross).

Then he saw something that stimulated his logic sensors.

There was a platform HOVERING IN MIDAIR, noiselessly moving up and down.

How could this be even possible?! Sure, he'd seen countless moving platforms, but he didn't think about how illogical they were until now. Plus, they mysteriously held his weight. They must have been very sturdy, given the early ones look like steel girders. Nowadays, the moving platforms looked like wood. It was a wonder Mario wasn't plucking out splinters while dodging Paratroopas or Fire Chomps.

The portly plumber tried his best to ignore it and move on.

Later, he came to SMB3's World 1-4, where his logic sensors were stimulated once again. As illogical as the autoscroll was, he had to deal with platforms that moved from right to left, ALL ON THEIR OWN. Plus, they were made of wood - a light material that could strangely hold his weight. Reminding himself to bring sandpaper next time, he gingerly stepped onto the wooden slab - and hopped off when it fell.

Why should it fall? Mario was sure it could hold his weight. But that wasn't bad enough. What was bad was the fact that it fell SLOWLY. As a plumber from Brooklyn, Mario knew that steel girders don't float in midair, and neither do rough wooden blocks.

Just then he was starting to forget about it, he came to SMB3's World 1-6, where he dealt with platforms on tracks. He judged that they were worse than the enemies there, since he had become logically triggered.

One small step for a Mario, one giant logic flaw in the fabric of reality as the platform began to silently move with Mario on it. No machinery, no momentum change; it just kept moving. It didn't even tip! Mario tried to hold in his sanity, as none of this could be possible back home. Maybe Bowser DID use black magic on the kingdom after all. Magic that could make wood fly. Magic that could build flying bridges. It was almost as if Bowser wanted Mario to defeat him...

But for now... Mario just had to focus on not focusing on how illogical moving platforms are.


	13. Four Heroes

**A/N:** ...Wow. I can't believe I haven't updated this in a month. I've been feeling lazy lately; plus, working on Chaos on Earth is waaay to addicting. If you're a Sonic fan, feel free to give it a read!

With that being said, Happy 2019 everyone, and here's the next chapter!

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

 _I honestly never really thought about how the platforms move, but doesn't really make sense. I have however thought about the automatically scrolling screen. seriously, how does that work?! Mario gets pushed forward by the screen, so perhaps behind the screen is a moving wall? Or, better yet, a group of angry Toads who push Mario forward when he starts lolly gagging!_

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **You had me at "angry Toads"! XD I should do one about autoscroll soon.**

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _Great chapter as always!_

 **Thanks! Here's the next chapter!**

* * *

Four heroes.

Three installments.

Two lovers.

And one epic logic problem.

Mario was travelling back through Gloam Valley with Luigi, Peach, and Bowser. When he flipped back to 2D, he wore a panicked expression on his face. Something was seriously wrong here, especially since The Thousand-Year Door was almost entirely 3D.

"Wait a minute," said a concerned Mario. "This game is 2D, and since we were 2D cutouts in a 3D environment, how did we become 2D again?"

Peach shrugged. "Maybe it has something to do with the whole 'between dimensions' thing?" she speculated. "But yes, you do raise a serious point."

"I mean, can I flip to 2D in Super Mario 3D World?" ranted Mario.

"Actually, that's nothing," Luigi joined in. "Between my high-jumping skill and Peach's floating ability, why were there some games where we couldn't use those skills?"

"Like New Super Mario Bros?" Peach asked.

"Yeah. Also... Why do you need a parasol in this game when you can float normally in other games?" Luigi asked.

"Actually, I think Nintendo insisted I needed a parasol for this game," she replied.

"Not to mention my fire breath counts as an 'ability'," Bowser added.

Just then a Tech Cursya popped by and touched everyone, alleviating them of the stress of having to carry around their special abilities.

"What gives?!" complained Bowser. "Now I can't breathe!"

"Yes you can," Peach corrected. "You can't breathe _fire_ , that is."

"Now I'm gonna need Mario and Green 'Stache to get in my belly and fix my Flame Pipe again!"

"Wrong game," corrected Luigi.

Peach tried to pull out her parasol, but strangely found that she couldn't. "Well that's just... peachy," she groaned.

"Tell me about it," responded Luigi. "I can't even high-jump, and I've had that ability in select games since Super Mario Bros. 2!"

"But not in _New_ Super Mario Bros," noted Mario. "Why is that?"

"Like I said, _select_ games. Sometimes I get tired of playing second fiddle to-"

"I can hear you," reminded Mario before he changed the subject. "Anyway, how come flipping to 3D isn't possible in the Real World, huh? Why can't I do it in Super Mario Odyssey, either? That way I can flip to 3D in New Donk City and maybe impress Pauline-"

"Ahem," Peach glared at Mario, earning a guffaw from Bowser.

Just then they heard the clanking of teeth nearby. Turning, they saw a giant Jawbus bearing down on them. Fortunately, the curse had worn off, so Mario could flip again.

As if reading Mario's thoughts, Bowser shouted, "Don't let logic get in the way of survival!"

"You can do it, Mario!" rooted Peach.

"Can't you just use Boomer or something?" complained Mario.

"Nope," Bowser pointed to the sleeping Pixl in the distance.

Sighing, Mario flipped to 3D, trying to ignore the scream lack of logic in his head, and ran behind the Jawbus. Flipping back to 2D, he stomped on the Jawbus' exposed tail, easily defeating it.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Bowser folded his arms.

Luigi approached Mario. "Mario, what's gotten into you? It's as if you're afraid of anything illogical."

* * *

Meanwhile, in a run-down shack in a bad part of Rogueport, Waluigi, Gus, and Ishnail were watching the events on a 60-inch TV they had just hooked up.

"Wahahaha!" laughed Waluigi. "You guys seeing this? This is rich!"

"Lookit 'im," Gus pointed at the screen. "The punk's reduced to a coward by none other than _logic itself_."

"Someone's gotta write a fanfiction about this," suggested Ishnail.


	14. Autoscroll

**A/N:** Things are going to take an interesting twist here...

 _ **Anonymous Girl Gamer**_

 _Glad to see this back! Great chapter as always and I'm so excited for more!_

 **And more you shall have! :D**

 _ **Guest**_

 _The Mario in this chapter style truly is afraid of anything illogical. I like this new chapter style, by the way, though I think my favorite style was the first one. It was like they had their own talk show!_

 _I think the flipping from 2D to 3D is just supposed to be flipping between two different dimensions. It does get weird when I think about it though!_

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **I'm still debating on a permanent chapter style, but I'm introducing yet another one here.**

 **And yeah, it does get weird when you think about it a little too deeply.**

 **Anyway, here's the next chapter!**

* * *

"Welcome back, everyone," said Mario. "Today, we're going to see a mystery logic clip provided to us by a mystery person!"

Luigi pressed play on the remote, and the clip began with:

 _"Generously donated by Larry Koopa (totally not blackmail)"_

"Larry Koopa?" Luigi asked, scratching his head. "When did he get an opportunity to film us?"

"Well, he's the self-proclaimed Emperor of Eavesdropping," answered Mario, "so there's that."

 **The clip started with a stangely 8-bit styled Mario standing on an airship of some sort. Mario appeared to be wearing red and black.**

"They styled me in the Super Mario Bros. 3 style?" Mario asked quizzically. "What's wrong with the camera's resolution?"

"Beats me," Luigi responded. "Maybe Larry set it to the NES setting?"

"Let me rephrase that. What's wrong with the _camera_?" Mario corrected himself.

 **The screen slowly and automatically began moving forward - and Mario wasn't moving at all.**

"Oh, it's autoscroll today?" Mario leaned forward in his seat.

 **Mario still didn't move, even though the left side of the screen started pushing him forward.**

"Okay, that is _so_ illogical. How can anyone be pushed by nothing at all?" Mario asked.

"It gets worse," Luigi pointed to the screen.

 **Mario didn't move at all, and was promptly crushed between the left side of the screen and the block in front of him. The screen faded to black.**

"Wow, talk about getting crushed between a rock and a hard place..." breathed Luigi.

"But _what_ is pushing him?" Mario wondered. "Maybe a bunch of angry Toads? Or some Boos?"

"Oh, it's coming back," Luigi pointed as the screen lit up again.

 **Mario was back where he started, and the screen began shifting again. The cannons on Larry's airship began firing upward and to the left, as they were probably stuck in that position by whoever designed the level.**

 **Now Mario tried to run forward as far as he could, but he was stopped by the right side of the screen.**

"Angry Toads there, too?" Luigi guessed.

"More likely angry Koopas," Mario replied dryly.

"Well, he's not going to set any records this way," said Luigi.

 **The video ended there. Nastasia appeared on the screen.**

 **"'K, so, um, you're probably not expecting me to appear on your TV screen, but, um, hear me out, 'K?"**

"Well, this is weird," Mario said quietly.

 **"So, um... I don't know how to say this, but... um, Bowser plans to cause you to go insane or something. I think it has to do with, um, illogical things."**

"I never saw Bowser as a psychological threat. Kamek, _maybe_. But not Bowser."

 **"And, uh, he's teaming up with some other villains."**

Suddenly an energy field appeared around the house.

"What just happened?" wondered Luigi.

"Gack-ack-ack-ack!" came a strangely-familiar voice from the screen.

"Sir Grodus," Mario realized.

 **"You've probably noticed the force field surrounding your home. This is, of course, to prevent your escape. You are trapped so I can-"**

 **"Sir Grodus," Lord Crump stated from the X-Naut commander's side, "Don't reveal your plans yet. Give 'em some pain of trying to figure it out first."**

 **"Okay then," Grodus amended. "No plan for you. Farewell for now, my adversaries!"**

As the screen began loading the next clip, Mario and Luigi looked nervously at each other.

"We'll make it out of here," Mario promised. "We're not gonna be trapped here letting ourselves psychologically deteriorate. We will escape!"

But when they saw the next clip, they knew it was not going to be good...

* * *

 **A/N:** Wait, first of all, they were voluntarily showing illogical clips, and now they are forced to watch them?! This could get interesting... The concept of some of the main cast trapped at home being forced to watch TV is loosely based on thekyuubivixen's Sonic fanfiction "My Arms Are Blue!" If you love parodies and Sonic Boom, it's the fanfiction for you.


	15. Fire Flowers

**A/N:** Nothing much to say here, except review replies first!

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

 _This new style seems like your setting up an adventure for the bros. Yes, an auto scroll chapter, and yay, you used the bit about the angry Toads! There were actually alot of angry creatures this time. Oh, and by the way I read you Mario comic book story, and it is Awesome!_

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **You know Mario, never being able to go without an adventure for long... And if he doesn't move for a while, sure people are going to get angry. Maybe Mario needs an idle animation...**

 **Also, I'm glad you like Super Mario Bros: The Novelized Comic!**

 _ **C. Mechayoshi**_

 _Suddenly Paper Mario refs? I love it!_

 **Oh, there's more where they came from... :)**

 **Anyway, enjoy this next chapter!**

* * *

Mario and Luigi were nearly unnerved when they saw what the next clip was.

"Oh, they're going to make fun of our Fire Flowers?" Mario thought aloud.

 **"Fire Flowers," as narrated by Fawful** appeared on the screen.

"Nooo!" exclaimed Luigi. "I can't stand his voice!"

 **"I say to you welcome!" the Beanish baddie announced from the TV. "Welcome to the show that is Logical Mario!"**

"Already this is going really wrong..." Mario said.

 **"Today I will have the talking about Fire Flowers! They are the cayenne pepper on the burritos of my loathing!"**

"Here we go with the food metaphors..." groaned Luigi.

 **Mario was seen striking a block, revealing a Fire Flower. After touching it, he transformed into Fire Mario.**

 **"...I have confusion..." admitted Fawful. "How does the fink-rat have the changing of clothes? Fawful must know the sorcery that is the Fire Flower!"**

"...Well, if even Fawful is confused, then something is seriously here..." pondered Mario.

 **As a small troop of Goombas approached Mario, he let fly a flurry of fireballs at the mushroom meanies, frying them to a crisp and earning himself a couple points.**

 **"How does the red one roast the mushrooms on the spit of their doom? I have confusion! I have... knowledge..."**

"Uh-oh..." Mario said.

 **"I have HACKING!" Fawful pulled a GameShark from his tattered cloak. "Now all the secrets will be of the revealing!"**

"This isn't right..." Mario thought.

"Mario... Shouldn't we try to stop him?" asked Luigi just before the screen faded to black.

The plumber in red shrugged. "Guess not."

Then he stood up. "How in the world could Fawful have gotten a hold of a GameShark? That's a Real World tool, and as far as I know, Fawful has never been to the Real World. Also, I've never thought too deeply about the properties of Fire Flowers, and frankly, it drives me up a wall!"

"Uh... Are you okay, Mario?" asked a concerned Luigi.

But before he could answer, there was a knock on the door.

* * *

 **A/N:** Cliffhanger time! Dun dun duuun!

Also, it was tricky to get Fawful's mannerism's exactly right.


	16. Saddle Up with Yoshi

**A/N:** Thank you all for making this story my second-most read story! It's already nearly at 2,500 views!

Part of Triple Feature Night! March 9, 2019

Also, this chapter was a guest user's idea; specifically the first one who reviewed last chapter.

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

 _Cool story so far! You should do a chapter featuring Yoshi soon!_

 **I took your advice and made a Yoshi chapter! Enjoy! ;)**

 _ **C. Mechayoshi**_

 _I think you got Fawful right. :) Also I'd forgotten they had GameShark on nintendo consoles. I always think of action replay or game genie._

 **Fawful was tricky to write, but probably not as much as O'Chunks or anyone with an accent.**

 **I leaned about the GameShark at Lemmy's Land, but I've never seen it in action, though.**

 _ **Guest**_

 _I love Fawful! And you did very good with his mannerisms! I Always enjoy Fawful's food metaphors, and I also enjoyed the introduction, like it was a movie the bros. were watching! And I wonder who's at the dore..._

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Thanks! Like I said above, Fawful was pretty tricky to write with, but he is a fun character - probably one of my favorite villains, up there with Grodus and Count Bleck.**

 **And now, who could possibly be at the door...**

* * *

"I wonder who could be knocking at the door, especially since there's a force field around the house," mused Mario as he rose from his seat and made his way to the door. Upon opening it, he saw that it was...

"Princess Peach?" Mario was surprised.

"Mario," she began, "I came because I heard about your situation." Mario let the princess in, and she sat down on the couch next to Luigi before Mario sat down himself. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"Well..." Mario tried to explain, "Some of my worst enemies trapped me and Luigi in our house and are making us watch things that are designed to make me descend into insanity."

"What?" Peach asked, confused.

"The thing is, I don't know how the force field let you inside."

"What force field?"

"What, you didn't see-"

"No, I didn't."

Another sign that Mario could be losing his mind. He walked over to the door and opened it. However, there was an invisible wall in the doorway. This was the force field.

Just then Bowser appeared on the screen, and Mario ran back to the living room.

 **"Gwahahaha! Bet you didn't see that coming, Mario!" he guffawed.**

"Bowser..." Mario gritted his teeth.

 **"If you need a little explanation, Grodus found a way to make the force field invisible. Now no one will know you're in distress!"**

"Well played," admitted Mario.

 **"Now if you're done griping to the princess, we'll start the next clip!"**

"How long to you plan on keeping us here?" Luigi dared to ask, but he got no answer as the next clip began.

 **"Yoshis" was displayed on the screen, followed by "Narrated by Il Piantissimo".**

"Oh, not _him_ ," complained Mario. "He's just Legend of Zelda's Running Man in a Pianta costume. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to impersonate someone outside your own species."

 **"Hello, all you television viewers out there! And by 'all', I mean you two in Mario's house! Today, we're gonna talk about how illogical the Yoshi species really is!"**

"Not Yoshi too..." lamented Luigi.

 **"You've seen in Super Mario Sunshine how the Yoshis appear on Isle Delfino. Well, how do they naturally hatch there when it isn't their native country?!" He dodged a random piece of drywall. "Oh, you could've hit me with that fourth wall!"**

"Really?" Mario was incredulous.

 **"But that's not the reason we're here. Stagehands, bring me a Yoshi!"**

 **An applauding sound was heard as a cardboard Yoshi was rolled onto the stage that Il Piantissimo was standing on.**

"This is insanity!" Luigi admitted. "Are they trying to dumb us down or something?"

Is this what you've been going through while you were here, Mario?" Peach asked.

"Yes, but not at this level," the plumber in red answered.

 **"As you can see, this is our Yoshi," Il Piantissimo continued. "But it possesses three crazy traits we will talk about. The first: it's tongue!"**

"Is this for real?" marveled Peach.

 **"Of course it's for real," the man in the Pianta costume answered.**

Peach was taken aback. "Y-you can hear me? But I thought you were just a recording!"

 **"Of course I can hear you," Il Piantissimo spoke. "Now, the Yoshi's tongue can stretch an incredible twelve feet. This is illogical in the Real World, but it somehow works here. Care to demonstrate?"**

 **Two Noki stagehands rolled a red tape measure across the stage until it reached about twelve feet.**

 **"I'm pretty sure Yoshi's tongues are sticky. Either that, or they wrap themselves around their desired targets. Good thing we good guys aren't about to find out for ourselves!"**

"I actually kinda hope he does," hoped Luigi.

 **After the stagehands put the tape measure away, the cardboard Yoshi was hoisted into the air.**

 **"This brings us to our second point," continued the "Pianta". "Flutter jumping. It's impossible, no?"**

"Only in Super Mario World," Mario said.

Peach facepalmed. "This is embarrassing..." she groaned.

"I know..." Luigi sympathized.

 **"But it happens nonetheless!" exclaimed Il Piantissimo. "He kicks his legs to stay aloft! Such a wonderful technique! And to think Ludwig von Koopa copied him!"**

"Yeah, really..." Mario nodded.

 **Suddenly the cardboard Yoshi fell and collapsed. A gasp arose from the crowd.**

 **"Not to worry," amended Il Piantissimo. "For the last point on how illogical Yoshis really are is how they form their eggs. You see, after they eat their enemies, they-"**

 **Suddenly, a real Yoshi appeared on the screen. It ate Il Piantissimo, turned him into an egg, and threw him out of the auditorium they were in. The egg landed on the other side of the Thousand-Year Door.**

"H... How..." Mario was at a loss for words. "That door is _sealed_."

"I know," Luigi nodded. "And to think that I spent time at the implied Waffle Kingdom instead of helping my brother save the world..." he added.

"You know, that whole clip was nothing short of illogical," Mario admitted. "And embarrassing."

"I know," Peach said. "I can't believe Bowser is making you do this. If you don't mind, I'm going to leave and see if Professor E. Gadd can take a crack at the force field."

"Good luck," Mario wished as Peach left the house.

* * *

 **A/N:** Just pretend there's something witty to say down here, and do the Mario or something...


	17. Launch Stars

**A/N:** Finally time for another new chapter! This is gonna be a fun one...

* * *

 ** _Guest_**

 _I actually had to look up who II Piantissimo was. Why can't I download super mario sunshine from the Eshop! Anyway, not only are the badguys trying to drive mario and Luigi crazy, but there trying to embarrasse them to!_

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Why can't we download _any_ GameCube game from the eShop? And it looks like this the bad guys's best plan yet? Who will be the hero? Will he or she succeed? Find out!**

 **Here's the next chapter!**

* * *

Now that Peach left the house to get help, Mario and Luigi looked at each other.

"Hopefully Peach will get help for us soon..." Luigi hoped.

"Yeah," Mario replied. "I don't know how much more of this insanity a guy can take. But since we're in our own home, we can still at least have pasta."

No sooner had he said that than the TV changed to the next illogical thing.

 **"Launch Stars"**

"Launch Stars?" queried Mario, stroking his 'stache. "I can see how they could be illogical, but still."

 **Presented by Captain Syrup**

"Captain Syrup?" Luigi was puzzled. "Haven't heard from her in a while. I thought she stopped being a thorn in Wario's side some time back."

"Did she?" asked Mario. "I don't really follow her. She _does_ have some killer baking videos on YouTube, though."

 **"Ahoy, mateys!" said captain announced. "The name be Captain Syrup, and today, I be talking about our next illogical thing: Launch Stars!"**

 **The shot changed to a planet in the Good Egg Galaxy. Captain Syrup appeared on the screen.**

 **"Now yer probably wondering why these galaxies are so small to begin with. Take the Flipswitch Galaxy for example. It's a single planet that doesn't even remotely like a planet. And they have the nerve to call it a galaxy. To top it off like whipped cream, the 'blackness' of space is a collage of 8-bit sprites. Shiver me timbers!"**

"You know..." Mario mused, "I never thought of galaxies that way." He leaped out of his seat. "And it makes no sense whatsoever! Can you imagine looking up into the night sky only to see 8-bit designs above you instead of the moon and stars?! And can you imagine a 'planet' made entirely of switches that can magically sustain its own gravity system? And can you also imagine black holes that do not destroy all matter around them?!"

"Uh, Mario? I think that Bowser kinda _wants_ you to rant."

"What do you mean?" Mario paused.

Luigi gestured to the glowing frame of the TV screen - a sure sign that the villains who trapped the plumbers were doing their job well.

"You're right," Mario gasped as he saw the glowing TV. "And to think that _this_ is the way they want to get rid of us..."

"I have to admit, sometimes deterioration is better than just attacking us outright," thought Luigi to himself.

 **Captain Syrup leaned in closer to the screen and snapped her fingers. "Pay attention, me hearties!" she demanded.**

"Well, I guess we gotta get used to the fact that they can hear us through the screen," Luigi said.

 **"Anyway, we be focusing on Launch Stars. But seeing as I don't have any Launch Stars on hand, we be bringing in this guy."**

 **The camera panned out as a Hungry Luma appeared on the screen.**

"Does she even know how to turn it into a Launch Star?" wondered Mario.

 **"Also, we be bringing in a truckload of Star Bits," the pirate captain continued as a truck backed up toward the Hungry Luma and stopped.**

"I hope she knows how to use those..." Luigi mused.

 **"All right, load 'er up!" she commanded. A random Wii remote appeared and dispensed one hundred star bits from the truck into the Hungry Luma's mouth. The now-plump Luma rose into the air.**

 **"I think I'm gonna... TRANSFOOOORM!" it announced before turning into a Launch Star.**

"Yep. She knows," Luigi nodded.

"Now we know why there are so many Launch Stars out there," Mario said. Luigi turned to Mario, knowing this wasn't true. The TV was doing something to his brain. Captain Syrup wasn't behind _every_ Launch Star, just this one.

 **"Now we have our Launch Star," Captain Syrup continued. "But what be making it so illogical?"**

"The fact that you have to shake your groove thing in order to suddenly break the sound barrier and possibly not freeze or suffocate in space? Think of how much damage that can do to your body," Mario stated.

"Now that you mention it, it _is_ kinda weird..." agreed Luigi.

 **"It's the fact that Wii Remotes don't exist here! Yet we keep referring to the player's controls! Why be that?"**

"Because Nintendo designed you that way," droned Mario.

 **"Anyway, we be sending a random Pianta out to space with this thing. Say, Dino Piranha's planet, to mix things up a bit." She dragged Don Pianta onto the screen.**

 **"Hey! What are you doin'?" he demanded. "Unhand me!"**

 **"Hmm, no, don't feel like it," the pirate captain responded.**

"Remind me again why Don Pianta is here?" Luigi was confused.

"Your guess is as good as mine," shrugged Mario.

 **"So Don, you be flying through space via this Launch Star. In other words, you be our test subject."**

 **"Wh-What?!" the Don was shocked.**

 **"Aye; now get in there."**

 **Captain syrup pushed Don Pianta into the Launch Star and shook the Wii Remote that randomly appeared earlier. Don Pianta was blasted into space, screaming stuff that should probably be censored.**

Mario burst out laughing at this scene. "Funniest thing I ever saw since I saw a car slip on a banana peel!"

Luigi facepalmed. "That happens all the time..."

 **Captain Syrup looked at the Don as he flew further away. "Now we be finding out what makes it illogical."**

"About time," Mario said, arms crossed.

 **The captain dropped the Wii Remote. "Actually, I be givin' up. I can't begin to be tellin' you how illogical it is. I be out." And with that, she walked off the screen as it faded to black.**

"...Well that was unexpected," Mario said after a pause.

"What happened to Don Pianta?" wondered Luigi.

Suddenly Don Pianta crashed through the roof.

* * *

 **A/N:** Cliffhanger time!

Also, I'm open to things Mario can react to! Just send a link in the reviews, and if I like it, I may use it.


	18. Look, Mom, No Hands!

**A/N:** Sorry for this belated chapter, but I've had a head for Chaos on Earth recently. The next chapter for that should be out by Friday maybe.

* * *

 _ **Guest**_

 _The villains actually are winning at the moment, because Mario's going crazy! Luigi still seems perfectly normal. Mario rant was awesome, and that saying about the car on the Banana peal was hilarious, because in Mario's world, that could just have happened the day before! And now Don pianta's hear..._

 _Anyway, I'll look forward to the next chapter!_

 **Yeah, I'll have the occasional reference to past chapters at some point. Here's hoping Mario and Luigi will get out of here soon...**

* * *

Mario and Luigi stared dumbfoundedly at Don Pianta who had just fallen through their roof.

"...What just happened?" Luigi asked in confusion.

Don Pianta stood up, seemingly uninjured. "What just happened is a pirate captain shot me into yer home. And I t'ink it's got an invisible wall 'round the whole place."

"Wait a minute..." thought Mario. "If you made a hole in the roof, did you make a hole in the force field as well? Luigi, boost me up."

"I don't know if this is gonna work, but okay."

Luigi grunted as Mario climbed into his shoulders. He tried to boost Mario through the hole, but sure enough, the invisible force field had closed up over the hole in the roof. Luigi put Mario down afterward.

"Well, looks like we're not getting out any time soon..." Luigi groaned as a troll face appeared on the screen, followed by Sir Grodus.

 **"I see you have finally learned that there truly is no escaping for either of you," he stated in his robotic voice.**

"So what's the point of keeping us here?" demanded Luigi.

 **"As you may have figured out, I am attempting to deprive you of your sanity. Once you are completely insane, we will dispose of you. Then the world will be ripe for the taking."**

"You _monster_ ," Mario growled.

 **"Oh, but this wasn't _my_** **plan," Grodus clarified. "It was Bowser's. All I did was set up the force field."**

"I demand to speak to Bowser," Mario said.

 **"As you wish," Grodus nodded before the TV faded to static. A moment later, Bowser appeared on the screen.**

 **"Is this plan ingenious or what?" guffawed the Koopa king. "I get to make a huge alliance and rob you of your sanity, all in one move! Are you crazy yet?"**

"This plan doesn't make sense," Luigi pointed out. "You're not a psychological villain."

 **"Until today," smirked Bowser as he crossed his arms. "But you just said it doesn't make sense. Therefore it's..."**

"...illogical..." finished Mario.

 **"Exactly!"**

"Are you going to let us out?" Mario asked.

 **"What? No!" laughed Bowser. "At least, not until you're insane enough to become the enemy of the Mushroom Kingdom!"**

"...That will never happen," Mario retorted.

 **"Oh really?" Bowser sneered. "Given time, it'll be obvious that you aren't going back to the light side any time soon. Then I can conquer the Mushroom Kingdom without any hindrance!"**

"But the kingdom still has other heroes!" countered Luigi. "Remember the time Peach beat you single-handedly?"

 **"That was just a fluke!" Bowser dismissed. "When I say 'without any hindrance', I really mean it! Now let's just roll the next tape, okay?"**

With that, the screen's image cut to static, then to the title:

 **"Armless and Dangerous"**

"Armless and Dangerous?" repeated Mario. "What's that supposed to mean?"

 **"Bleheheheh! BLECK!"**

"Count Bleck?!" Luigi was shocked.

 **"Indeed, it is Count Bleck who speaks. Today's topic is on why some characters do not possess arms, the likes of which include Count Bleck."**

"And why is this important?" Mario asked.

 **"Do not interrupt Count Bleck. One of the most notable specimens that lack arms include Goombas."**

 **Two Goombas were shown inside Castle Bleck.**

 **"Gary, why did you have to turn on everything you've ever known?" lamented one of the Goombas.**

 **"Hail Bleck!" Gary said militantly.**

"This was in the past. Why are they showing it now?" Luigi wondered.

"I'm still here, ya know," Don Pianta reminded the plumbers.

 **"That's nice, dismissed Count Bleck. Other armless specimens include Bob-ombs, Thwomps, Wigglers... Count Bleck does not know where to end this list."**

"What's the point?" Mario nearly yelled.

Count Bleck raised his arms, and a small void spun Mario in place before vanishing, causing the plumber to collapse on the floor. Don Pianta looked confused, and Luigi was surprised.

 **"Pay attention, admonished Count Bleck for the second time. Now Count Bleck has decided to end the list here, but he will expand on how the armless ones live their day-to-day lives."**

"Snorefest intensifies," deadpanned Luigi. Count Bleck chose to ignore him.

 **"Take this sporting event, exemplified Count Bleck. This Goomba is holding a microphone. Count Bleck challenges you to reveal how this can happen within the realm of logic."**

"Uhh... it can't?" guessed Don Pianta.

"Invisible arms," Luigi added his own two cents.

 **"Count Bleck says incorrect! There are absolutely no arms whatsoever. Yet this Goomba is still holding the microphone. Can the hero of red explain, asked Count Bleck?"**

Mario could feel himself becoming insane, and the screen's edges began glowing. He tried not to answer.

Suddenly the image of Count Bleck and the Goomba was replaced by that of Nastasia. The screen's edges immediately stopped glowing.

 **"Um, so, you still with us?" Nastasia asked.**

"Unfortunately," Mario replied.

 **"'K, so we got ion touch with two plumbers named Wario and Waluigi. Uh, they're going to try and get you out of there. So sit tight, 'K?"**

"That won't be a problem..." Luigi deadpanned just as Nastasia remembered something.

 **"Uh, was that the Count I saw earlier?" she asked out of the blue.**

"Uh... yeah, it was," Mario answered.

 **"I need to go speak to him right now. So, you know, I kinda missed him, so, uh, maybe he can help you out of this situation, so just hang in there, 'K?"**

"Wait! Didn't Count Bleck try to make us watch illogical stuff just now?" countered Mario in vain, as the TV faded to black before Nastasia could answer.

Luigi shook his head. "Better not to question things, you know?"

Don Pianta stood up. "Wait, what am I even doin' here?" he asked. "I didn't play no important part in this chapter!" With that, he simply walked out the door. Mario started to become mad.

"How can _he_ leave while we're trapped here?" he fumed as the TV's edges glowed again.

"Mario, you seriously need to calm down," Luigi softly responded. "I think that the more the TV glows, the more power Bowser gets."

 **"And you would be right," came Bowser's sudden voice.**

What Mario and Luigi saw next shocked them to the core.


End file.
